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assignment Falcons Take Opener
Friday 9:30PM May 4th, 2018
The Mattural smacked two epic bombs and NOT COACH SLF made a big contribution to the pizza fund as the Falcons opened up the 2018 season in the Vice President's division with a decisive 20-8 victory over the Rebels.

This new guy, "Steve" also made a welcome appearance, contributing $5 to the fund by stranding Million Dollar Bill at third with less than two out.

The Falcons defence was a little sloppy in the top of the first, but not as sloppy as the conditions of the outfield. Soakers were had. Miner Leaguer even got muddy on an unsuccessful dive in the seventh. Anyway, the first inning: Rebels scored two. The Falcons came right back in the bottom half with 5 of their own highlighted by SLF's very expensive caught-looking strikeout. No, the big fat K didn't help score any runs, but everyone was happier seeing that than anything else that happened that inning.

A bat-around inning in the 3rd produced 7 more runs and the Falcons never looked back.

Two Home Runs In One Inning Watch: The last time a Falcon hit two home runs in one inning was August 29, 2012.

Game Notes: The cheering section, while enthusiastic, could use some coaching on the lyrics... Mrs. and Mini Miner Leaguer took this one in from the third base bleachers... Yeah Teets took full advantage of not having to arrive early by arriving seconds before having to take the field.

The Hot (Take) Corner: Everyone knows Millenials have terrible table manners. You've all seen them: holding their fork like some kind of torture device while hunched over their plate cutting their meat before slouching and singing at the table. Or worse, taking a break between bites to check their notifications. Or watching videos at a restaurant at full volume while waiting for their order, oblivious to the society that has been developing for centuries around them based on kindness to your fellow humans. But I don't blame the Millenials for this. It's GEN X that's at fault here. Gen X are the ones who were raised to sit up straight, fork in the left, knife in the right, napkin in your lap. Cut a piece off, eat it WITH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH CLOSED. And they rebelled. "What do I need these manners for?", they all shrieked. "I'm going to be a cool parent when I have kids. They won't have to act like this." And now you have a whole generation of punks chewing with their mouths open for all to see, elbowing their neighbour in the ribs at tight family get-togethers. And the boomers are dying off, their work complete, but not passed forward.

Slo-Pitch Playing Conditions, Ranked:
1. Warm, no wind, day or night, doesn't matter. Low humidity.
2. Hot. High humidity, no wind to cut it down.
3. Cool. Under 15, but not too cold. Breezy.
4. Rain.
5. Post rain bog in the outfield (like tonight).
6. Trying to open a paint can with a flat-head screwdriver that slips and pierces your scrotum.
7. 4 degrees and snowing in the 4th inning while getting your ass handed to you by Storm.


2B: Miner Leaguer (2), Band Camp (2), SLF (2), Million Dollar Bill, Yeah Teets, The Mattural
HR: The Mattural (2), Poutine
RBI: The Mattural (6), Pikachu (3), Poutine (2), Miner Leaguer (2), SLF (2), Hobo (2), Yeah Teets, Million Dollar Bill, Band Camp
PIZZAS: SLF (3/3), New Steve (1/3), Yeah Teets (1/3), Dr. J (1/3)



ATTENDANCE: 7 (35% FULL) - % is based on regular season capacity (Falcons' side only)

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Team 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Final
Rebels 2 0 2 0 3 0 1 8
Falcons 5 3 7 0 5 0 X 20
Tags: win, falcons, rebels, pizza, the mattural, new steve, slf, wet, sloppy
Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 12:06AM
Comment #1

Just happy to contribute

Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 12:15AM
Posted by: Fatt Matt
Comment #2

My pizza fine was a direct result of being too hungry to get the season underway.

Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 7:14AM
Posted by: Steve Bennett
Comment #3

Hey Jer, is Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, um, I mean by SLF, um, I mean The Hot (Take) Corner, going to be a recurring theme in the recaps? :)

Also, I have to ask: are your incessant mentions of the Storm tied to the fact that they wear the same colour jerseys of your favourite NFL team? Or are you subtly trying to become their beat writer too? :-P

Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 8:17AM
Posted by: Dunner
Comment #4

Dunn: which recap did you read? Storm isn't even mentioned here!

Also, the Hot (Take) Corner will appear as long as things exist that piss me off.

I'm taking suggestions for things to be ranked.

Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 9:47AM
Posted by: SLF
Comment #5

Storm isn't mentioned? See slo pitch playing conditions, ranked...#7!

It's so deep rooted into your sub conscience you don't even realize you're doing it. Obviously beyond the reasons I mentioned. Duran man-crush maybe? I mean he's a huge Broncos fan too... :)

Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 11:36AM
Posted by: Dunner
Comment #6

Can you recall worse playing conditions?

Posted on: Saturday May 5th, 2018 at 11:46AM
Posted by: SLF
Comment #7

Comment 6 from SLF is classic TRUMP maneuverers.

Comments 3,4, and 5 draw out the fact that SLF TRUMP did in fact mention STROM in his game recap....

So what does SLF TRUMP do in Comment 6?
"Can you recall worse playing conditions?"

WOW - what a redirect, what a great attempt to change the subject.

Personally I can't wait to see what insanity SLF TRUMP is going to bring to the clubhouse all season long.

One game/one recap into the season and SLF TRUMP is already forgetting what he is saying/writing.

Congrats on the Win FALCONS. Only 24 more wins to get over your Dougothy Casino projected win total.

Only 16 more wins to get over your Head Coach SLF TRUMP projected win total. Although I'm 110% certain that he will "forget" his win projections for the team and declare his projected win total is exactly whatever the team ends up with at seasons end.

Posted on: Tuesday May 8th, 2018 at 11:37AM
Posted by: The Notorious D.O.U.G
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